Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
this has to be peak English
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.