The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
mechanics be like
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again