I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”