barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?