@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

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@1Happytwit

My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU

When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@SondraDeeMe

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

@freedom2726

* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.