@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

You Might Also Like

@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill

@TinaMav

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@msalicenutting

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@WonderMonkey78

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?