My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–
I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
* draws blood
Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.