I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.