I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier