*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Bill is short for Billiam
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.