I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
it’s finally my moment to shine
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I hope this email finds you in a well
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir