I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn鈥檛 notice.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I鈥檓 busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My neck my back my allergy attack
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
馃槱馃槱馃槱
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo鈥re you gonna finish that?
My kids think they鈥檙e way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I鈥檇 already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
when i find out there鈥檚 a cat at the party but they鈥檙e locked in the bedroom
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
It鈥檚 pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back