I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
This was a bad idea all around
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.