How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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“HELP WITH CAT”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*offers Batman cough drops*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
this chia pet tastes awful
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.