WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Her: What are your passions?
Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.
Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.