I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Batman v Dracula
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
That’s no pocket rocket.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness