I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

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DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?

ME: give me one minute

*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*


Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.


[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S


Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.


It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”


Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.


[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous


A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else