I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Guys, I found it.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.