“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.


Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people


Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.


This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.


For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties


At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?