@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

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@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

@WheelTod

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

@PinkCamoTO

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

@MrsTomServo

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

@NJGov

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

@WheelTod

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@Thee1_4U

Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.