Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
wash our hands
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.