“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.