waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
an airline just for babies.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”