I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
You Might Also Like
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?