My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,
He eats worms.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.
Then its 100%.