I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus