I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.


ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption


My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.


My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.


Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.


Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”


I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.