I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?