You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“We will wed,” I threatened
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The Onion called it…again.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta