I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.


“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that


CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.


I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.


[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally


Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.


Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.