I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us