I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.