I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.