I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.