I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.