I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations