I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
wow
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.