I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.