@WilliamAder

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

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@tastefactory

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

@Mazificient

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

@merrittk

shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!

@XplodingUnicorn

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

@Incilin

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@_mindflakes

Did you know that 1 in 5 people are fruit bats? Look at 4 of your friends. If none of them are fruit bats, it’s you. You’re a fruit bat.