I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

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License and registration, please.
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.


Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?


shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!


I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.


Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up


ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.


Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.


83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.


Did you know that 1 in 5 people are fruit bats? Look at 4 of your friends. If none of them are fruit bats, it’s you. You’re a fruit bat.