I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*


ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction


My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”


They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.


PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand


[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens


{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME: Okay I need to repack.


I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.


I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out