I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know