home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.