When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’ve had relationships like this
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.