I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Ah yes. The three genders
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.