I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.