I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
He’s cranky this morning
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.