@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

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@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

@bibbymoynihan

If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.

@DrDogMD

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@perfectsweeties

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@UnFitz

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?