When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?