I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft đ
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I think itâs bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i donât think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, itâs probably fake because I already took care of him
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: youâre expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
How about daylight saves us for once
Duolingo getting serious.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: Thisâll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
âI donât buy flowers for girls because they dieâ yeah well so do the flowers
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Stick with me and youâll go places.
None of them good, but still.