@c_puzzler

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

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@zachheltzel

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

@killingit06

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.

@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

@CantWaitToNap

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.