I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Best mom ever 😂
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign