Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The distance is staggering.
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”
Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?
Me: It’s freezing outside.
4: I know. It won’t melt.