@c_puzzler

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

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@perfect_boxx

Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@TheCatWhisprer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@ShutUpThatsWho

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38