I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
So we got a goldfish…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.