I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.