I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up