I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Finally
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.