I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Pigeon open mic night.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
happy mother’s day❤️