I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.