I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
✌🏽
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.