ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long