@rocknthepurple

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

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@WAPratt

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

@iwearaonesie

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

@batkaren

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

@Kristen_Arnett

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

@thisgirlstace

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no