I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You Might Also Like
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.