Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“I’m a hoarse whisperer…”
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.