@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.

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@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@whatbabytalk

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.

@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

@HoarseWisperer

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”