My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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