@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.

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@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@TedBundybitch

When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying

@sonictyrant

Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@TheLesbianTwin

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.