Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.
To the people who want to remake The Princess Bride