Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[First day as a beaver]
Everyone say hi to the lady reading my phone over my shoulder.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club