I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“I wouldn’t.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh