@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

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@ComedyCarter

In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.

@CulturedRuffian

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

@Diversion50

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.