I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.