HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
W: No, I did.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
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You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
bout dat hot dog summer
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[Error: Passwords must match]