I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier